I couldn't move this post from the old site without bringing the comments, too. These is them:

16 comments

Daniel sayth,

Two gentlemen are seated at a bar (a drinking establishment). One of them, gazing out the window at a sheer cliff, remarks to the fellow beside him, "Every day around this time there is an updraft from that cliff over there that is so strong a man could leap off the cliff, and the updraft would carry him back up safe and sound."

The other fellow was unconvinced and so the pair left the bar and stood at the cliff. The first man then leapt off the cliff to demonstrate this remarkable updraft. He plummeted hundreds of feet, slowed down, then began to rise slowly - and sure enough, within a minute or so was safely buffetted back to his original perch. He demonstrated this rare updraft thrice with such profound calm and confidence that the other fellow leapt off the cliff to experience the effect - but only fell to his own demise.

Upon returning to the bar, the bartender replied to the first man, "Don't get me wrong, but you sure get mean when you're drunk Superman..."

1/13/2006 1:23 PM

Daniel sayth,

This is a true story.

My wife's aunt works at a daycare where they look after children, some of whom have Down's Syndrome.

One day, one such young girl was pretending to smoke a cigarrette, making quite a show in front of the other children miming the motion of putting the imaginary cigarette to her lips, inhaling, and exhaling. Playing along, my wife's aunt said, "I'm sorry young lady, but we do not allow smoking in here..." to which the girl didn't even blink and eye, and replied, "That's okay, I am at the airport."

1/13/2006 1:28 PM

Doxoblogist sayth,

An Indian Chief had three children. The youngest, a boy, came to him with a few questions.
"Father, why did you call my sister 'Leaping Fawn'?"
The Indian Chief replied, "On the morning your sister was born, I stepped out of the teepee and saw a fawn leap across the plain. So i called your sister, 'Leaping Fawn'."
"And why did you call my brother, 'Running Bull'", the young son asked.
"Well, on the morning your brother was born, I stepped out of the teepee to see a bull, running across the plain. So, I called your brother, 'Running Bull'. By the way, why so many questions 'Pooping Dog'?"

1/13/2006 7:58 PM

Brad sayth,

Two 90 year old men were sitting in a park. One asked the other, "How you feeling today?" The other responded, "My arthritis is acting up, my blood pressure is up....I'm not feeling too well. How are you?" The first one replied, "I feel like a newborn baby: My teeth are gone, I've not no hair, and I just soiled by pants."

1/16/2006 5:58 AM

mjbeasley sayth,

Well, thanks to Doxoblogist I'm simply too intimidated to enter this contest. My best won't even come close, so I'll just have to wait for my TTT cup some other time. Of course, in keeping with Pauline terms the joke would have ended with "why so many questions 'skubalon kuon'?"

1/16/2006 3:21 PM

Doxoblogist sayth,

I've got another Indian joke.

Did you hear about the indian who drank to much tea before he wnet to bed?
He woke up the next morning in his tee(a)-pee.

1/16/2006 5:29 PM

Daniel sayth,

What do you call an empty can of Cheeze Whiz?

Cheeze Whuz!

1/17/2006 2:11 PM

Daniel sayth,

Okay, seriously now.

Ghandi walked barefoot most of the time, which, as you can imagine, produced signficant callouses on his feet. Likewise, being an acetic, he ate very little, and consequently was quite frail. His odd diet didn't help his oral hygiene either, something which (contrary to the popular image of Ghandi) troubled him greatly, as it meant that he suffered from bad breath most of his adult life.

Some say that is why he was called a .... super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

1/17/2006 2:15 PM

mjbeasley sayth,

Alright - here it goes...

***********************
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driver of the vehicle forgot the directions, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived.

So, who was the survivor?

INSTRUCTIONS: SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWER
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
ANSWER: The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

INSTRUCTIONS: WOMEN, END E-MAIL HERE.

MEN, KEEP SCROLLING.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, then the "perfect woman" must have been driving. Actually, this explains why there was a car accident in the first place. By the way, if you're a woman and you are reading this part of the e-mail then you've apparently forgotten you're directions...again!
*********************

If someone has already used this elsewhere - then many apologies.

1/17/2006 6:25 PM

Jonathan Moorhead sayth,

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

1/17/2006 10:30 PM

Brad sayth,

A boy having extreme difficulty in learning his math was eventually transferred to a private Catholic school by his parents in an attempt to increase his mathematical learning. After only a few weeks he was scoring perfectly on his exams and seemed to have little, if any difficulty. When asked why math was easier for him now than at the public school, he replied, "The first day of school, I say that guy hanging on the big "plus" sign, I knew they were SERIOUS about math!"

1/18/2006 5:48 AM

Running Well sayth,

A bear walked into a pub and took a stool at the bar. As the bartender approached, he said, “I’ll have a scotch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and soda. ”

“What’s with the big pause?” asked the bartender.

“I don’t know,” the bear replied, “I’ve always had ’em. ”

1/18/2006 6:48 AM

Daniel sayth,

Queen Elizabeth and Bono Vox are on a balcony overlooking a great mass of people. The queen says to Bono, with just a small wave of my hand, I can make all the English citizens in this crowd go wild! To demonstrate, she lifted her hand, and while holding her elbow perfectly still, rotated her palm slightly in a regal "wave" - to which a roar rose up from the crowd as the English who were present cheered and hollered.

Bono seemed unimpressed however, remarking that he needed only nod his head once, and every irishman in the crowd would go wild. The queen was unconvinced -- till he head butted her.

1/18/2006 10:47 AM

Loki Odinsson sayth,

Wow, I'm disappointed. Not with you guys, but with the number of responses. As of this morning, my stats show an average of 143 unique visitors per day for the last seven days. Only six of you know any jokes? What miserable, joyless lives you must be living!

Thanks to you guys who are contributing.

1/18/2006 12:56 PM

Daniel sayth,

Loki - Perhaps most of today's Christians don't know any "clean" jokes. ...?

Okay... A toad goes into a bank to get a loan, he looks around the bank until he sees a sign on one of the doors:

PATRICIA BLACK
LOANS OFFICER

He gently raps on her door, and is invited in. Sitting down, the toad begins, "I would like to apply for a loan." The loans officer looks the toad up and down, well, mostly down (her nose that is) and decides that this is not a particularly "well to do" toad, and decides that she is not going to give him a loan. Seeing that the toad has come empty handed, she asks, "Do you have any collateral?" - expecting the toad to admit that he had no security by which to secure the loan, but to her surprize the toad quipped, "I do. I have brought my family heirlooms, a set of antique 'knickknacks' which I believe you will find most valuable." The toad handed her some ornate carved stones, which resembled (more than anything else) a couple of chess pieces.

"Umm," began the lady deresively, "Those are -not- knickknacks!" The toad insisted that they were, and that they were not merely knickknacks, but significant historical knickknacks - and quite valuable. For the space of half an hour the toad pursued the loan, insisting that the pieces were precious knickknacks, but Patricia was adamant, and was beginning to lose her patience.

As she began to usher the toad out of her office, the bank manager was passing by, and noticing an irate customer, he inquired as to what was going on. The loans officer smuggly relayed the details, emphasising the worthlessness of the collateral. The bank mangager, asked to see them, and handing them back quickly to the loans officer said,

"Those are knickknacks Patty Black, give the frog a loan..."

1/19/2006 8:46 AM

Doxoblogist sayth,

Jesse Jackson went to an Indian reservation to give a speech. As he talked an increasing number of the crowd began chanting, "Hoya, hoya, hoya..." Jesse thought to himself, "Man, these Indians are loving me!" So he continued speaking, raising his voice to be heard above the chants. After the speech, an Indian chief asked the 'Reverend' if he would like to see the rest of the reservation. Jesse said, "Yes", and so the began walking over the reservation. After they had walked a while they came to a large field where there were cattle grazing. As they started through the field the Indian Chief said, "Be careful, don't step in the hoya."

1/19/2006 6:34 PM