Over the last week or so I have posted three questions: Under Law or Grace?, Obedient to What?, and What Is Obedience?. These questions have been intended to provoke thought leading up to today’s topic.

What I have to write today is not the result of any specific Bible study or reading any particular book. It is simply something I have been thinking a lot about as I have lain awake at night recently. Anyone who has had this experience will testify to the fact that such thoughts are often much more profound in the dark of night than they are in the daylight. This is no exception, but I will share them anyway. Expect a certain degree of incoherence.

The question at the center of my nocturnal meditations has been What constitutes genuine obedience?

It is not, of course, outward actions compliant with the law. I may catch some flak for this, but even unbelievers can do that. Unbelievers are able to live lives that are blameless before men, even by Scriptural standards, outwardly.

Obedience is not doing what you are told grudgingly. I was always taught that obedience is willingly doing what you are told, even when you don’t want to. That may sound contradictory, but I hope you can understand what I mean. I can not want to do something, and at the same time, do it because I want to be obedient. This is certainly an improvement of attitude over grudging compliance, and probably pleasing to God, but is it really the obedience that is wrought by the grace of God? I think it falls short. It is an obedience that is still tainted by our own desires. It is still an obedience for which we can take some credit.

What is it that sanctifying grace does in us? Where does Scripture say our behavior is changed? Doesn’t it rather teach that our nature is changed, resulting in changed behavior? (2Corinthians5:17, Galatians6:15) If our very nature is changed, then our desires are changed.

So as I have lain awake staring at the ceiling, I have begun to think that perhaps obedience is the wrong word. The Psalmist continually expresses his love for God’s law. He delights in the Lord, and the Lord puts his own desire in his heart. We need not be obedient to our own desires. Unless we are prevented, we just do them.

This leads to the conclusion that my sin is not in not doing what God commands, but in not wanting what God wants. There is still so much of myself in everything I do. So, invariably, I wind up praying that God will crush my will, so that only his will remains; and I so long for the day when that will be fulfilled.