Numbers — we all say we don’t care about them, some of us really mean it, but most, I think, can’t resist checking them from time to time. The numbers, we might think, tell us if we are as brilliant, profound, insightful, witty, and most of all, popular as we hope we are. The numbers I refer to are, of course, blog statistics. Our stats tell us, “Wow, people actually read my stuff!” or, that hardly anyone does.

Stats can either build our egos, or crush them. Most of us, no matter how small our numbers, can probably find some cause for pride in our stats. I recently did a little analysis to see what the numbers mean. I’m not sure I got it right, but if I did, my conclusion is that I have far less to be proud of than a superficial reading of the numbers indicates. Sure, I have x page loads, y unique visitors, and z returning visitors; but z is the only number that really means “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!” And that number is considerably smaller than x. So, here are my stats, in percent rather than numbers to avoid [ahem] boasting.

71% of you stay for less than 5 seconds. By “you,” of course, I mean “them,” because if you’re reading this, you’re not one of “them.” These are probably the folks who came here by way of a Google search for “asparagus and a theologian” and ended up here.

2% of you are also probably not reading this. You (they) check out in 30 seconds or less.

The remaining 27% of you are actually reading something. 10% stay for at least 30 seconds, but less than 5 minutes. That may not sound like much, but you can actually read quite a bit in 30 seconds. 4 minutes and 59 seconds is far more than I spend on almost any blog I read.

17% stick around a while and probably deserve some kind of award. 6% are here for 5 minutes to an hour (1% for 20 minutes or more). An amazing 11% stay for an hour or more. An hour? Here? These readers are most likely incarcerated somewhere, or they are Norwegian*, but not both; Norwegians never get incarcerated.

So, looking more closely at my stats was a rather humbling experience. But I’ve saved the worst for last: of the 573 posts on this site, the most popular is a guest post by an eighteen-year-old girl†. It’s a good thing I don’t care about the numbers.   . . . and [David] went and hanged himself.

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* This is a reference to the stoic hardiness of the Norsemen, and not to any alleged intellectual deficiency (as portrayed in jokes you may have heard featuring characters with names such as Ole and Sven).
† of whom I really am quite proud.