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Hungry?

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During this holiday season I will not be sticking strictly to my recently-set schedule. Take today, f’rinstance (note the homey colloquialism, denoting a casual attitude). I’ve done a lot of different things on this blog. I’ve posted theology, history, rantings, and jokes. I’ve posted scripture and hymns, done a couple of mêmes, and even written a song. One thing I don’t think I’ve ever done is a recipe. It only makes sense then — don’t you agree? — that I post one now. Can’t let the bloggerbabes ladybloggers have all the fun, can I?

Lest you doubt my qualifications, let me present my extensive resumé:

To start with, I was a bit of a mad scientist in the kitchen as a child. My mother allowed me quite a bit of freedom to experiment, and taught me anything I was willing to learn; so by the time I moved out, I was not the typical helpless bachelor. Twenty-plus years later, a couple of my former roommates still fondly remember such fine things as Veal Parmigiana, chile that makes your head sweat, and fresh-squeezed lemonade. (One roommate actually had a recipe, sent by his mother, for — I jest not — scrambled eggs. Plain scrambled eggs.)

But those were amateur days. Next I took my natural talent to a professional level. After driving delivery for a time at LeeAnn Chin in Edina Minnesota, I learned to stir-fry. My Szechuan Shrimp and Beef Lo-Mein were famous for miles around, and are now a part of local legend (or if they aren’t, they ought to be). At the same time, I worked a second job at MacDonald’s, broadening my repertoire . . . well, a little.

So! Having established my credentials, and started very few fires, I move on to today’s recipe. I was inspired to do this by Thabiti, who lamented his separation from his favorite breakfasting facility. I dedicate this feast to him, and without further adieu, I give you breakfast:

David’s World Famous, Award Winning, Mouthwatering, Muscle Building, Stomach Filling, PETA Annoying

Heart Attack Eggs®

Ingredients:

• 1 dozen large eggs
• 1 pound of bacon
• 1 large Vidalia onion
• ¼ pound extra sharp cheddar cheese
  No, Velveeta will not do.
• 1 pint sour cream
  Don’t even think about substituting any of that fraudulent non-dairy slime.

Preparation:

• Crack eggs into a bowl
• Cut bacon into 1 inch pieces
• Chop onion
• Grate cheese

Fry ’em up:

• I like to use a wok, but a large cast iron skillet works as well.
• Fry the bacon and onion (add a chopped red bell pepper, if you like) together until the bacon is crispy and the onions are well cooked. Do not drain.
• Dump in the eggs and scramble. Let the eggs get well cooked.
• Toss in the cheese and mix.
• Dump in the sour cream. Yes, all of it. Stir it in. This will make it kind of sloppy, but be patient. Keep stirring it uncovered on the heat until it cooks down to the desired consistency.

Serve with whole wheat toast generously plastered with real butter. Don’t you dare use margarine. Hash browns are a good substitute for, or addition to, the toast. Accepted condiments are anything you like. The point is to enjoy it. I like ketchup (not, for pete’s sake, catsup) and Tabasco sauce. Fobidden condiments are anything that says “substitute” or “low _____” on the label. Pour up a big glass of tomato juice, or, if it’s at least lunch time and the Baptists aren’t looking, a Bloody Mary.

Serves one. Ah say, ah say, that’s a joke, son. Usually.

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