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Men


Remember when your friends and family used email to spam you with everything that amused them? I was recently reminded of one that was going around in 2006. Apparently, it hit a nerve with me, because I reacted rather irritably, and though I am much more mature now, I still feel the same about these things. So here you go: my thirteen-year-old response to The Guys’ Rules (brackets indicate comments not originally included).

We’ve all seen it before, and let me tell you something: I’m sick and tired of men being made to look stupid by the feminist world, which, by the way includes the entire population of the free world, minus a minute fraction of the Church. And when I say “Church,” I mean the true body of Christ, not the nominal church. As irritating as that is, what irritates me more is when men accept the stereotypes invented by the emasculators and play along. imageWhile much of this list consists of valuable correction that many women sorely need, plenty of it plays into the dumb, sports-obsessed, artistically ignorant, self-centered, little-boy-with-whiskers stereotype. So here is my answer. I’ll try to keep my words simple and my sentences short, because I want the guy who wrote this to comprehend . . . that is, get it.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note . . . these are all numbered “1”ON PURPOSE!

All are numbered “1” on purpose? Why? Because you can’t count any higher? Or because you are unable to prioritize? Maybe you’re just so arrogant that you think every single one of your concerns are paramount. Go ahead, spend all day in front of the television. I can’t imagine who’d miss you, anyway.

1. Men are not mind readers.

Oh, stop it. If you want an excuse for being clueless, be honest. It’s because you generally aren’t paying attention. Sure, women sometimes—okay, often—assume too much, but most of the time you just weren’t listening. Admit it.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Fair enough, but doesn’t it bother you to walk away from the toilet leaving the lid up? You don’t mind the invisible, polluted mist that contaminates the air when you flush without lowering the lid? The seat has to come down first. I hope you know what that roll of paper is for.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

You, sir, have no concept of reality. If you miss the game, the players still get paid, and the Packers still lose. It might surprise you to learn that if there was no game, the moon would stay in orbit, and the tides would . . . you do know what controls the tides, don’t you?

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

That depends on what you’re shopping for, doesn’t it? Be honest, if the quest is for power tools, boats, or firearms, instead of furniture or frilly things, your attitude is entirely different. How about showing some interest in something that someone else enjoys? How about actually developing a genuine interest in those things? No, I don’t always want to shop with my wife, any more than she does with me, but I usually don’t mind. I like being asked “does this look nice.” After all, my opinion of her appearance is the only one that should matter. How do guys like you even know how to buy your wife a gift? Do you know her sizes? I do. Yes, all of them.

1. Crying is blackmail.

You’re either stupid, utterly heartless, or both. It’s also possible that you have no conscience. Of course, some, maybe most, women are guilty of this at some time. Anyone of nearly-average intelligence can tell the difference between manipulative tears and the real thing, unless they haven’t been paying enough attention to know the woman who is crying. Right . . . I guess we’ve already covered that. Could you consider the possibility that she has a legitimate reason for tears, and it is something you did?

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

This one is kind of funny. It would be nice to get the straight scoop right away. I hope most men are not too dense to figure most things out without a roadmap. Wait, that one is coming. Isn’t there may be a contradiction here.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

I have to agree with this one; unless it’s chocolate or vanilla. This goes along with “brevity is the soul of wit.”

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

See, now you’re just a jerk. I’ll bet you’re not married, and if you are, she’s staying only for the sake of the kids. This is where grace and truth are supposed to merge. We can do both.

However, ladies, take a lesson from this. We are problem solvers. Sympathy is good, and you should expect it, but if we let you go away comforted without telling you how to avoid similar pain in the future, we’ll be sorry, and so will you; and it will be our fault. You’ll be sure to point that out.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem. See a doctor.

That’s right, Prince Charming, you’re aroused by anything with a pulse, why isn’t she? I can hear it now: “Whaddaya mean, yer not in the mood? Yer awake, ain’tcha?” I have so much to say on this, but we would have to discuss it in private.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

In other words, you’re utterly unreliable and refuse to be held responsible for yourself. Your word isn’t worth anything at all. Unless you have retracted it, whatever you said six months, six years, or six decades ago is what can be expected of you. Don’t worry, it’s not a trap. Now is not too late to retract [and perhaps apologize for] whatever you no longer believe.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

All women think they’re fat. Everyone who has ever met a woman knows that. That’s why there is anorexia, but no opposite disorder. Anyway, she isn’t asking if she is fat (usually), she just wants to know if you’re still attracted to her.

This also is not the time for “No, those jeans don’t make you look fat, your big . . . ,” no matter how hilarious you think it is. Trust me on that one.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

This one is usually true, except if it’s the guy who wrote this list. He probably meant it the way you took it. Get used to it. He’s not growing up any time soon.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Ladies, this one should be in the wedding vows. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

We don’t have television, but we do watch DVDs [add a couple of them new-fangled streaming services now]. First of all, nothing on television is important—nothing. However, I agree completely with this one. If I am going to watch something, I am going to watch all of it, or I don’t want to watch it at all. Suppose you are reading a book, and someone grabs it and tears a page out—just one page. You can go on reading, skipping the missing page, and you will probably get the gist of the story, but would you tolerate that?

Let me be more specific. Don’t ask what just happened. Pay attention. You must definitely never ask what is going to happen. That’s not how it works. If it hasn’t happened yet, you’re not supposed to know. If you have already seen it, and we haven’t, don’t spoil it. If you can, avoid statements such as, “Oh, haha, this part is good!”

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

We get ridiculed a lot for this, but the civilized world should be thankful that it is so. Columbus did not need directions, but he had navigational skills. While Mrs. Columbus probably got by with left and right, Christopher knew where north, south, east, and west were. So do I (I’ll speak only for myself, but men are typically more skilled at this than women [this was written before everyone became GPS dependent]). If I miss a turn and get off course, that doesn’t mean I’m lost. Give me just a couple of turns, and I’ll be back on track. If necessary, I’ll get out a map [again, written when actual maps could commonly be found in glove compartments]. In extreme cases, I’ll pull over while I read it. Only then, when my efforts have failed, will I ask for directions.

Don’t try to make a theological lesson out of this. It won’t apply. This is a good thing, part of being a man—taking care of business and fixing your own mistakes. If everyone thought like that, there would be no Democrats in Washington.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

Yeah, that’s right, our idea of art is Dogs Playing Poker. I know what mauve is. I’m no aficionado of the arts, but I also know the difference between a recitative and an aria, and why Michelangelo’s David is not circumcised [I’m not so sure anymore, but at least I’m aware of the theories].

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

You are no better than a dog. That’s all.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

This guy can’t tell if there is actually anything wrong, but many of us can. In the case that we sense there is something wrong, we will walk on eggshells, steeling ourselves against the inevitable eruption to come. It is really much better if you tell us right away.

On the other hand, when we say there is nothing wrong, it means (a) there is nothing wrong, or (b) there is nothing wrong that is worth upsetting you over, and if you leave us alone, we’ll get over it. Your options, in both cases, are (a) let it go, or (b) nag us half to death about it until we become visibly irritated, and you say, “See? There is something wrong! I knew it!” We probably won’t agree on which option is more fun, but (a) is definitely the right choice.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

Probably true.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine . . . Really.

That is, unless you are Meg Bundy. If you don’t know who Meg Bundy is, good for you. Really, if you actually care if we like what you are wearing, give yourself a gold star on your Good Wife chart. Thanks for asking.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

Life with you must be so boring. Do your thoughts echo, what with all that empty space in your head?

1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.

Probably true in many cases. However. . .

You’re a slob. You have enough clothes; they’re just not the right clothes. Have you ever had to wear a suit (the phrase “had to” is significant), perhaps to a funeral in January, and wore a ski jacket with your suit coat hanging out below because you don’t own an overcoat? Are your dress shoes black Nikes? Are black jeans “dressy?”

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

I hope you don’t mind if hers is, too.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

No, I’m not sleeping on the couch, and neither should my wife. I won’t hold my breath and bang my head on the floor, either. This is my bed, and I do mind. I hope she joins me—it’s her bed, too. I don’t have a headache.



Posted 2019·07·30 by David Kjos
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Posted in: Gripes

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