Proverbs

Proverbs 1:5–7:

A wise man will hear and increase in learning,

And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel,

To understand a proverb and a figure,

The words of the wise and their riddles.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge;

Fools despise wisdom and instruction.

You’ve no doubt heard it: a piece of advice prefaced by the phrase, “A word to the wise . . .” Maybe you’ve said it yourself, or hearing it, like me have thought, “That doesn’t make sense. The ‘wise’ don’t need your advice. Shouldn’t it be ‘a word from the wise?” But as the proverb teaches us, only the wise will take advice. “Fools despise wisdom and instruction.” Good counsel, heard and received, is indeed “a word to the wise.”

Do many hands make light work, or do too many cooks spoil the soup? If he who hesitates is lost, do I dare look before I leap? Should I answer a fool according to his folly (Proverbs 26:5), or not (verse 4)? I expect these, and many other, questions to be answered when I get into God’s Wisdom in Proverbs by Dan Phillips.

After scanning the book and reading the introduction plus a little more, I can say that this book is not what I had expected. It turns out it’s not a commentary as I usually think of commentaries, but rather a manual on how to read and understand Proverbs. And that’s better than a commentary. You’ll probably see bits of it here next week or thereabouts.

What if Solomon had been an average guy, living today?

But Solomon wasn’t an average 21st century guy. He didn’t tweet. He took time to think, and so must we.

King Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived, and his life gave little indication of speed. Rather, his life showed the virtue of deliberate meditation, deliberate slowness. He knew 3,000 proverbs, each of which took time to commit to memory and each of which only had value in the time taken to ponder it. Here is just one example of how Solomon grew in wisdom and understanding:

I passed by the field of a sluggard,
by the vineyard of a man lacking sense,
and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns;
the ground was covered with nettles,
and its stone wall was broken down.
Then I saw and considered it;
I looked and received instruction.
A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest,
and poverty will come upon you like a robber,
and want like an armed man.

Proverbs 24:30–34

Here Solomon walks by a field and pauses to observe that it has become overgrown with thorns and that the wall surrounding it has fallen into decay. He sees that only a lazy man, a sluggard, a fool, would allow his land to fall into such a state. Even in the midst of his busy life as king, Solomon responds by taking the time to meditate on this, to consider it. And having done so, he receives divine instruction: “A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man.” It was only through his willingness to slow down, to take time, that he drew a lesson from this foolish man and his misused land. Virtue was found not in hastening by but in taking time to slow down, to pause, to think. He did not immediately dash off a Twitter update or snap a photo to post to Facebook. He stopped; he watched; he learned.

The challenge facing us is clear. We need to relearn how to think, and we need to discipline ourselves to think deeply, conquering the distractions in our lives so that we can live deeply. We must rediscover how to be truly thoughtful Christians, as we seek to live with virtue in the aftermath of the digital explosion.

—Tim Challies, The Next Story: Life and Faith after the Digital Explosion (Zondervan, 2011), 122–123.

I could have used God’s Wisdom in Proverbs twenty-some years ago when the Gothard cult was teaching me that the Proverbs are absolute laws and promises. If you live by the rules contained therein (and elsewhere in Scripture), your life will be all flowers and kisses. If you work diligently, tithe faithfully, and follow a number of other financial laws, you will never suffer want. If you raise your children right, they will grow up to be saintly sages. Less desirable results indicate some failure on your part. It must be so, because God promised! (Psalm 37:25; Proverbs 22:6) It was a kind of prosperity gospel, only a lot less fun than the Osteen variety.

As Dan Phillips explains, the Proverbs contain no such absolute promises and threats. They are, as I’ve taken to calling them, “divine rules of thumb” (my term, not his).

[I]f we are to read and understand Proverbs wisely, we must apply different interpretive rules from those we employ in reading and understanding (say) Philippians. The latter is a little letter, the former is a big book of pithy pointers. We could express the central principle this way:

Proverbs convey pithy points and principles,
not precious particular promises.

Remember that poetry by design is terse. If that is true of poetry in general, it is true of proverbs to the tenth power.

It is important that we grasp the fact that this is intentional. It is that nature of the genre. A “knock-knock” joke is what it is. It is a successful joke (if it is a good one), not a failed dictionary. They are not failed prophecies or systematic theologies. Proverbs by design lays out pointed observations, meant to be memorized and pondered, not always intended to be applied “across the board” to every situation without qualification.

The point was well-made be Derek Kinder:

Naturally [proverbs] generalize, as a proverb must, and may therefore be charged with making life too tidy to be true. But nobody objects to this in secular sayings, for the very form demands a sweeping statement and looks for a hearer with his wits about him. We need no telling that a maxim like “Many hands make a light work” is not the last word on the subject, since “Too many cooks spoil the broth.” [The Wisdom of Proverbs, Job and Ecclesiastes]

We can fairly easily think of illustrations form our own culture’s proverbs. Take the pair:

Look before you leap

And yet . . .

He who hesitates is lost.

Do these two proverbs contradict? Formally, of course they do. So, which one is true? Both! One applies to some situations, the second comes to play in others. The first warns against haste, the second against dithery indecision. The first could apply (say) to a marriage-decision; the second (say) to responding to a terrific, limited-supply sale. The application requires wisdom on our part.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 20—21.

A couple of years ago, I read How to Read the Bible as Literature by Leland Ryken. It immediately made the very short list of books I knew I would be reading again, and probably again. I love language, and I’ve come to see how important understanding language — not just words, but the music they make when combined — is to really getting the meaning of any literature. So I loved that book, with all its talk of metaphor, parallelism, narrative, poetry, etc. It is among my most-recommended books because what it teaches is so fundamental.

It’s late, and I haven’t read a word today. It’s been one of those days when other projects consume all my time. But, just like when I was in school, my mind has been on what I’d rather have been doing, which brings me to Ryken’s book. My current reading, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs, reminds me of that book, zeroed in on Proverbs. It includes such wonderful things as a section listing and explaining eight types of proverbs (synonymous, contrast, comparison, satirical, evaluation, consequence, synthetic, and proverbial discourse), and turning the page into chapter two, you immediately see two bold-face headings containing the words “verb” and “noun.” Short of diagramming sentences, what’s more fun than that? (You think I jest. You are mistaken.)

So, if you haven’t read either, I’m going to recommend that you pick up How to Read the Bible as Literature (an easy 208 pages) as a prelude to God’s Wisdom in Proverbs, and if you’ve already read Dan’s book, it probably won’t upset the time/space continuum to read them out of order.

Solomon begins his introduction of Proverbs with these words: “The proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel: To know wisdom and instruction, to understand words of insight . . .” Right from the start, we know what this book is all about. Or do we? Not if we don’t understand the meaning of “wisdom” or what is meant by “to know wisdom.” In God’s Wisdom in Proverbs, Dan Phillips explains that the word “know” does not indicate mere possession of facts about a person or subject (you may have heard this in connection with Romans 8:29). This is knowing, as it is said, “in the biblical sense.” It is an intimate relationship, in this case, with wisdom.

What, then, is this wisdom that Solomon wants us to know? We often think of it as an exceptional cleverness, the ability to make good decisions, or to solve problems like Solomon did (1 Kings 3:16ff). But anyone, believer or infidel, could possess those qualities. Biblical wisdom is more than that.

One is not truly wise unless he knows the Lord personally. Solomon will make this very clear when he says, “The beginning of wisdom is the feat of Yahweh, And the knowledge of the Holy Ones is discernment” (Prov. 9:10 DJP). Though Proverbs is much concerned with what we might call “horizontal success”—success in relationships, business, character-building—it is no less concerned with success in our vertical relationship with God. It is as Archer says: hokmâ [wisdom] “came to be applied to the art of getting along successfully with God and with men.”

The wisdom with which Solomon proposes to acquaint us, then, is skill for living in the fear of Yahweh. It subsumes all under the Godhead of God (Prov. 1:7; 9:10; 31:30) and casts every bit of life within that framework. This God-centered wisdom will encompass all our endeavors, including excellence in relationships, in personal pursuits, finances, child-rearing, “the whole shooting match.” But the constant backdrop of these living skills will be the imperative of a life lived in reverence for God, in conscious application of His revealed wisdom, and dedicated to promoting His glory.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 39–40.

Proverbs 1:3 states one of the purposes of the Proverbs: “To receive instruction in wise behavior” (NASB) or, as Dan Phillips renders it, “For receiving intelligent discipline.” Through these proverbs, God has something to teach us — and he has a particular way of teaching it.

How do we “receive” this education? Should we pray for God to give us wisdom, and then be open to “receive” it, directly? This is what the dominant mystical element on the church would have us believe today. “Just pray for wisdom, and then listen for that still, small voice within, as the Holy Spirit whispers in your spiritual inner ear,” we are counseled, often by widely-respected Christian speakers and pastors.

But that literally cannot be what Solomon means. Remember, Solomon is saying that this is the purpose of his writing this book. Proverbs took a lot of effort and strain and sweat to write. It takes a lot of effort and strain and sweat to study, understand and apply.

So ask yourself this: Why should Solomon write a book to give us something we could get easier and better by mystical channels? Of the formula for wisdom is “Just add prayer and mystical openness, and pop! wisdom!”—then why waste all the quills and papyrus? Just tell us to go mentally limp, and you will save a few trees . . . or, rather, reeds.

This “intelligent discipline” will not come to the intellectually lazy. Intelligent discipline becomes ours only as we diligently apply ourselves to obtaining what Yahweh has objectively given, once and for all time, in Scripture. To access it, we must open up, bear down, and accept instruction.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 46–47.

The proverbs of Solomon . . .
To understand a proverb and a figure,
The words of the wise and their riddles.

Proverbs 1:6

In a day when men and women are often little more than large boys and girls, any attention span is an anachronism, and anything that can’t be Googled is too much trouble to learn, Solomon informs us that understanding requires more than we’re used to investing. He exhorts us, if we desire true knowledge and wisdom, to roll up our sleeves and get ready to sweat.

The word here is a form of the noun [Hebrew word translated “riddle”] (hîdâ). Occurring seventeen times, the term’s meanings range from “riddle” (Judg. 14:12–19, where Samuel does a turn as “the riddler”) to enigmas and hard questions (1 Kings 10:1; Psa. 78:2). It signifies “difficult speech requiring interpretation.”

Here the idea is probably enigma, meaning a hard word that must be pondered because it defies easy unraveling. Kidner says that the term is used of “anything enigmatic, which needs interpreting.” And notes that

The secondary purpose of Proverbs is to introduce the reader to a style of teaching that provokes his thought, getting under his skin by thrusts of wit, paradox, common sense and teasing symbolism, in preference to the preacher’s tactic of frontal assault.

Solomon knows that there is not only one way of communication. This approach—communicating by riddles and obscure sayings—is expressly designed to demand and provoke thought and reflection.

This need for such writing is great. Communication is being “dumbed down” by increasing degrees. Simper and simpler versions of the Bible . . . are coming out. People are impatient of anything requiring thought, concentration, focus, effort. Folks rush to churches featuring interpretive dance, snazzy musical entertainment, dancing bears and skits—and stay away in droves from the rational, systematic, demanding exposition of the Word of God.

At the same time, attentions spans lessen. People become accustomed to the flip-flip-flip of movie camera angles. Anything taking longer than five minutes of concentrated thought wears us out and quickly loses our attention.

Against all this, Solomon says, “Here is something knotty. Here is something you cannot have without hard thought. Here is something you will have to ponder, consider—even untangle. Slow down, stop. Fix your attention on this!”

And so we should. Only so will we reap the promised sevenfold reward.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 62–63.

Proverbs 1:7 tells us, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.” That makes the fear of Yahweh* pretty important. But do we know what it means to fear him? Back in Sunday School, I was assured that God didn’t want me to be afraid of him. He just wanted me to love him so that I would be afraid of displeasing him. It was his feelings that mattered, you see. Eventually, I came to understand that it is perfectly sensible, even for Christians who love and are loved by God, to fear God himself. But that is not the meaning of the word as it is used in Scripture.

As Dan Phillips explains, using Deuteronomy 4:1–15 (feel free to pause and read that passage before continuing), “a primary and basic element in the fear of Yahweh is revelation.”

Of particular interest to us is Deuteronomy 4:10, where Moses recalls

“. . . the day that you stood before the Lord your God at Horeb, the Lord said to me, ‘Gather the people to me, that I may let them hear my words, so that they may learn to fear me all the days that they live on the earth, and that they may teach their children so.’”

From this verse and the larger context, I isolate two observations:

1. “Fear” here clearly is not merely an emotion—or else I think that the fire and all (v. 11) would have done the trick.
2. “Fear” here is something that must be learned, and that requires revelation from God. god commanded the people to hear his words “so that they may learn to fear” Him, and that they might teach the fear of Yahweh to their children.

And then we see in verses 12–14 where Yahweh Himself directs the spotlight in that entire encounter. So many pine and yearn for anything remotely supernatural—and here it is, on bold display. Darkness, clouds, fire, the very voice of God. Is that where Yahweh fixes their attention?

No. In fact, Yahweh expressly says, “You heard the sound of words, but saw no form; there was only a voice” (v.12b). He goes on to relate at length the fact that He revealed and inscribed the Ten Commandments (v. 13) and commanded Moses to teach them “statutes and rules” that they might do them (v. 14). There was no form, only the word of God (v. 15). God emphasizes His word. And specifically stresses that He spoke to them, that He rendered Himself quotable.

Therefore, if anyone wishes to learn to fear God today, he will not chase off after reports of supernatural outbreaks here and there. Instead, he will open his Bible, and he will pray that God open his heart to hear His voice speaking through it, and will teach him to fear God thereby (cf Psa. 119:18; Heb 3:7ff).

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 71–72.

* Dan uses Yahweh where the translators of your text use the all-caps Lord or God. Read the book to find out why (hint: because it’s right).

Dan Phillips lists “eleven benefits resulting from the fear of Yahweh” found in the book of Proverbs. Among them is “a fountain of life,” from Proverbs 14:27.

The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life,
that one may turn away from the snares of death.

The form is consequence (B is what happens when you A). the meaning of this verse is related to [Proverbs 10:27]. Beyond that, it has a valid application on the eternal level. We are all born rebels, enemies of God and under His death sentence. When we come to know and fear God as He truly is, we receive eternal life, and turn away from the snares of everlasting death under His judgment in Hell.

This is one of many proverbs that suggest to me that “fear Yahweh” is the Old Covenant equivalent of “believe in the Lord Jesus” (Acts 16:31). It is a distillation of the Gospel, in Old Covenant terms. It could be “translated” for Christians with no changes other than greater New Covenant specificity:

Faith in Christ as Lord is a fountain of life,
For turning away from the snares of death.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 88–89.

Ever since I first learned that the popular Christian heart/mind dichotomy was based on faulty interpretation, I’ve wondered why Scripture uses the word “heart” as it does. It’s really quite simple, as Dan Phillips explains:

Contrary to years of Christian traditional definition, the heart is not primarily the seat of emotions, but rather of intellect, volition, and evaluation. It is used specifically of memory in various places, including Deuteronomy 4:39 and Proverbs 4:21.

Wouldn’t “brain” be the better modern term for this idea? Why is the heart used for the mind, rather than “brain”? As a matter of fact, the word “brain,” as a part of the body, is never mentioned in the OT. The word simply was not in use in the Hebrew working vocabulary as it is in modern English. The question is not, “Why didn’t the Hebrew use our word,” but rather, “What Hebrew word (if any) has a meaning equivalent to ‘brain’?”—and usage shows that the answer is, “Heart.”

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 115.

The more we grow in our fear of God, the more we see our need for fear of god. Having been a Christian by God’s grace for more than thirty-eight years, I can say with conviction that there is no problem in Christian living that isn’t related to the fear of God. Every last defect in my character would be addressed by deeper fear of God, Biblically defined. Every failing or weakness I’ve met in fellow humans can be traced to defective fear of God. every bit og growth in Christ-centered graces relates to growth in the fear of God.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 122.

Dan Phillips, observing the parallel form and chiastic structure of Proverbs 16:20, demonstrates that trusting the Lord is synonymous with diligent study of his Word.

Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good,
and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord.

Phillips informs us that “The term translated ‘he who gives thought, . . . means to give attention to, consider, ponder, understand, comprehend, with an emphasis ‘on the act of attentive observation, of perception and scrutiny, through which one becomes insightful.’” This word is elsewhere in the OT translated (ESV) “discern,” “study,” “regard,” “consider,” “ponder,” “observe,” and “gain insight.” This is clearly not something that happens in a passively yielded state of mind to one who has “let go and let God.” Trusting God is not a blind leap of faith into the mystical realm of whatever-one-hopes-is-there. Trust is the response of the thinking person to what God has revealed about himself.

Practical application can be made, destroying popular opinion that scholarship, resulting in doctrine, is opposed to spirituality.

What does the Bible do with the modern “faith [or love or Christian experience] versus doctrine” division? This text is one of many which reveals that trust in God and intelligent analysis of His Word are inseparable. Faith and doctrine are wed in the Bible. They are divorced only in sick and straying quarters of modern Christendom.

The point cannot be stressed too emphatically. Not only are faith/trust and doctrine not opposed to each other in Scripture, but there simply is no Biblically-defined “trust” without doctrine. Consider: it is only by Bible doctrine that we learn—

• Who God is
• Who we are
• What God’s will is
• What our deepest needs are
• What God’s provisions are

The list could be multiplied almost without end. Without Biblical doctrine, we don’t know whom to trust, or what to trust Him for. Absolutely everything we need to know as believers, in order to know and serve God, is revealed in Scripture (2 Tim. 3:15–17). Anyone imagining a relationship of trust that is not grounded on the certainties of God’s Word is envisioning something other than Biblically-defined faith.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 131.

As the old saying goes, sometimes “it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.” It’s an attitude we have all taken on at some point in our lives, and it is precisely the attitude we are warned against in Proverbs 21:3.

The principle behind this proverb should be easy for parents to understand. We always teach our children that they should apologize when they break or spill something, or if they wrong someone. If we are responsible, we also teach our children that it is better still to be more careful and wise, so as not to have to apologize in the first place. In fact, you might say, “To be wise and careful is chosen by parents above apologies.”

This verse, I think, says the same thing: God does not want people who heedlessly do wrong and blindly commit injustice, because they know they can just pop by the Temple later and slice a lamb. Rather, God wants people who so believe in and love Him that they obey Him, and “do righteousness and justice.”

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 153.

On Proverbs 28:9 and prayer:

It is popular in Christian circles today to exalt the importance of prayer to the most dizzying heights. Many would say that prayer is the most important element in Christian life. Prayer is held to be the sovereign key to holiness, power, effectiveness, revival, and personal spiritual growth. It is not uncommon for those newly professing faith in Christ to be told that the single most crucial activity that they can pursue is prayer.

I daresay that this verse calls some of these lofty claims and notions into serious question. We must remember at the outset three important Biblical truths about prayer:

1. Prayer is you talking to God—it is not God talking to you.
2. Prayer is anything you say to God—it has nothing to do with God saying something to you.
3. Prayer is not a dialogue.

In Proverbs 28:9, then, God says that if you and I are not listening to His Word, prayer is worse than a waste of time. Solomon says it is so bad, that it is a abomination (tôēbâ) to Yahweh. We must not miss the force of this condemnation. “Prayer” is meant to be a drawing near to God with adoration, confession, supplication. Solomon says that when the person praying is one who turns a deaf ear to God’s law, “even” his prayer—even that act meant to win God’s heart—is unspeakably repulsive to God.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 156–157.

The book of Proverbs has a great deal to say about the kind of friends we should choose, as well as the kind we should avoid. One very important characteristic of a good friend is also one that might, in our pride, be difficult to take: frank honesty.

Solomon highly values the quality of honesty, of frank (but gracious) truthfulness. Let me single out two reasons such a friend is so important.

First, you and I want a truthful friend. Note Proverbs 14:5—

A faithful witness does not lie,
But a false witness breaths out lies.

A friend is not necessarily someone who will tell us what we want to hear. But a friend certainly is someone who will tell us what is true—and what we need to hear.

Second, you and I need a truthful friend (Prov. 27:5-6):

Better is open rebuke
Than hidden love.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
Profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Actually, when you consider all the grief that one can catch for administering needed rebuke, we realize that someone who is willing to take the risk is likely to be a true friend. Remember: the only person who does not need a friend who willing to rebuke him is the man who has no sin or error to rebuke—which, at present, is a phonebook with no names in it.

As a postscript, we must not neglect our part in this. If we want friends who feel free to correct us or reprove us, we should make it easy for them. Remember, Solomon wrote “Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning” (Prov. 9:9). Where did Solomon learn this attitude? Perhaps from his father, who sang “Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it” (Psa. 141:5).

Ask yourself: Do my friends find rebuking me to be a low-stress experience, or even a rewarding experience? Or would they rather wrestle a wild boar?

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 171–172.

We are all selfish by nature, and tend to hold high opinions of ourselves. Consequently, we tend to take offense easily and, once offended, want satisfaction. In those situations, Solomon counsels restraint.

Solomon analyzes in [Proverbs] 17:14 why strife in a relationship is such a disaster—

The beginning of strife is like letting out water,
So quit before the quarrel breaks out.

Here he envisions a situation such as a breach in a dam. First, a little water gets out. But then this flow causes further erosion of the dam, and the flow increases. If nothing is done, the dam eventually breaks down entirely and a flood results.

Let us transfer the simile back to human relations. Let us say that we have been wronged in some minor way (i.e., a cross word in a marriage, as opposed to adultery). We know that it is best to “love it over.” However, we find ourselves obsessing on the offense, with all our feelings of injured pride clamoring at us. So what do we do? Do we keep bringing it up until a fight starts? Solomon counsels wisdom and self-control. He observes that a quarrel is easier to start than it is to resolve, and less difficult to prevent than to stop. “Opening such a sluice lets loose more than one can predict, control or retrieve.”

Accordingly, Solomon’s advice is to forsake, abandon, leave the quarrel before it even starts. Perhaps second thought will drive one back to the first solution: love it over.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 179.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

—Genesis 2:18

It was this lack of a “soul-mate” that God had in mind in saying the first “not good.” Adam needed a helper, and particularly a helper corresponding to him, for assistance and companionship. Adam would be in charge, as Scripture makes clear. But that would not mean that Adam’s wife was of inferior worth, since she would be “corresponding to him.” She alone, of all creation, would share humanity with Adam, would bear the image of God with him.

The stubborn refusal to recognize the possibility of an equality of worth coexisting with inequality of function is simply a perversion of our culture.

Never forget, then, God’s design: God created Adam—as He created all things—for His service. As such, God’s design would never have been to create someone to make it harder or more miserable for Adam to serve Him. Rather, God would create someone to better facilitate Adam’s service to Him.

Since this was the specific reason for which God created the first wife—to be a helper corresponding to him—this means that the woman would really find her greatest happiness in embracing what God created her to be. Unwise women might not think so (Prov. 14:1), but it remains true, nonetheless.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 191.

Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man,

—Proverbs 20:3

But any fool will quarrel.

One popular opinion says that fighting within a marriage is healthy. Contrary to that, Dan Phillips believes “that this is a lie, and a harmful one at that. A married couple should never fight.” This is why:

1. A husband should never participate in a fight (I choose my words deliberately here) because:
   1. A veritable pile of proverbs praise self-control and condemn giving in to temper, of which this is only a sample: 14:29; 16:32; 17:27; 20:3.
   2. He is to care for his wife as Christ cares for the church—which excludes identifying her as a target or an opponent to be “taken down” (Eph. 5:23).
   3. “She started it,” even if true, simply means that the husband should respond as Christ calls all Christians to respond to attack, as the following small selection may serve to remind:
      • “. . . if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matt. 5:39b) Remember that this slap is an insult, as one’s wife might become insulting during a fight. In Matthew 5:38–42 Jesus rules out responding in kind.
      • Cf. also 1 Peter 2:21–23; 3:8–9.
2. A wife should never participate in a fight because:
   1. See “a” above.
   2. The wife is called by God to subordinate herself to her husband (Eph, 5:22, 24, 33; Col. 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1–6), and there simply is no room for fighting, as defined above, from such a position.
   3. See “c” above.
   4. A woman who sees herself free to resist, denigrate and fight her husband is not emulating Proverbs 31:12, and cannot expect the blessing of Proverbs 31:11.

—Dan Phillips, God’s Wisdom in Proverbs (Kress Biblical Resources, 2011), 210.